Lulzy Letters
by mutive
Summary: In my universe, barely literate, semi-medieval characters like sending very short missives back and forth across the country. It makes no sense. Roll with it.
1. Best Friends Forever

_I don't like playing a good Grey Warden. It's far more fun to sleep with everyone and make the not so wise decisions. I knew that I had finally beaten my own record when my elven mage had Zevran break it off with her because he felt guilty about "sneaking around behind Alistair's back". (I also wish that there had been an option to tell him "I think Alistair knows. He's may not be the sharpest sword on the rack, but even he's got to have this figured out seeing as we've been doing everything 5 ft. from him...") Needless to say, she saved Loghain, and forced Alistair to marry Anora. I imagine that in comparison, Alistair found Anora to be a welcome relief. This is my imagined correspondence between the mage and Anora._

Dear Anora,

Congratulations! You're about to be a big sister!

In case you're wondering, no, I'm not the mother. (I personally believe that apothecaries are the best response to pregnancies.) The mother will be Morrigan.

Confused yet? I'll admit that it sounds a bit strange. If it comforts you at all, know that your father did not fall madly in love with the witch-woman, nor become lonely on a bitterly cold evening. No, the reason that you are going to have a younger half-sibling (a sister, I hope! Your father seems convinced that it will be a brother, but I can't see Morrigan willingly giving birth to a boy.) is that I made her sleep with him.

There's sort of a long, involved story here. I'll cut to the chase. Morrigan had a plan that would make it far more probable that I'd survive killing the arch-demon. All that it required was that a newly formed Grey Warden sleep with her and give her a baby that would have the soul of an Old God. What can I say? I like being alive.

Your father was a different matter all together. Just so stubborn. When I brought the plan to him, he was all "no, let me die if someone must, just don't make me consent to this demonic ritual!" But I just couldn't take that chance. I mean, what if he died before we got to the arch-demon, and I had to kill it instead? I'm sure that I'm saying far too much, so just pretended that you didn't hear this from me. The end result is that I ordered him to impregnate her, and according to my reports, whatever Morrigan did worked and she was last seen somewhere around the Frostback Mountains. In a rather loose robe.

I'm still alive, so all is well from my point of view. But you might want to meet your younger sibling. Become friends. Share clothes when she's old enough. Hell, if all works out well between you and Alistair, maybe she can even be your oldest child's best friend. It would be so cute! All "hi kids, let's meet your aunt, a cute little girl who also happens to be an Old God". Don't you think that would be awesome?

Plus, the half-sibling might end up being a security issue one day. I mean, I mostly tuned out anything in mage training that didn't involve learning how to blow things up, but from the bit of history I remember, Old Gods weren't entirely, you know, good. And even if they were, well, I somehow don't see Morrigan as being the best influence. So even if the kid was meant to be a saint, I'd seriously consider an intervention. This is most of why I'm writing to you. It just seems like you should be aware of the possible...complications.

Now, when you consider my part in this, you might be thinking that I should hunt the witch down and deal with this all myself. But I promised not to. And more importantly, would really rather get back to torturing templars. (Thanks again for freeing the mages! I can't wait to make Cullen's worst nightmares come true!) So I'll leave this matter in your capable hands.

Your friend,

Neria

Dear Neria,

Thank you for the news. While I am astonished to hear of it, it is better that I know now so that I can do what I must. I agree that finding the child before he or she can become a nuisance is a wise idea. Although I sincerely wish that when this matter arose, you would have informed me. I would gladly have loaned you Alistair for the occasion. I imagine that Alistair's offspring would be far more _pliable_. Pity. We will pray that my son or daughter will take after my side of the family. Otherwise, I fear for this country.

Speaking of Maric's son, how do you get Alistair to shut up? I honestly cannot endure another conversation where he asks me about how much I like, or dislike, half the people in the castle. It is giving me a headache. How did you travel with him for so long without resorting to murder?

That said, your advice regarding him was very helpful. You are quite correct in that he likes being told what to do, is eager to please, and is very athletic. If I could just make him be silent for a few minutes, and could mandate that he never whine or pout again, he might well make the perfect husband.

Your Queen,

Anora

Dear Anora,

The best advice I can give you regarding Alistair is to just smile and nod. I don't think that anyone actually listens to him. But he will fall madly in love with you (if he isn't already, the poor boy adores anyone who gives him the slightest bit of attention) if you just smile and say "I agree" or "I feel the same way" often enough. When he talks on and on about his feelings, I highly recommend letting your mind drift to more pleasant thoughts. For instance, when he rambled on and on about his childhood, I merrily imagined what it would be like to sleep with all of the party members that I had not yet invited back to my tent. It worked remarkably well. He thought that my smile was due to his charm, and I got to puzzle out Qunari mating habits. (Trust me, your father was a welcome addition to the party in that regard!)

Now, you may occasionally have disagreements with him where this technique will be insufficient. Alistair is so...impractical. He becomes quite upset over the littlest things. My desire to have a golem army. My need to become more powerful using whatever means necessary (hey, the elves were just going to return to that horrible alienage, anyway, right?) My lack of an interest in running all the way back to the tower when we could just kill Isolde right there and be done with it. He may do the same to you when you make some unimportant little decision. So how do you keep him from staring out the window and pouting for longer than absolutely necessary? Toys.

Seriously. Just break the bad news to him, watch him get angry, then hand him something shiny and watch his face light up. I kept an entire set in my bag to smooth things over. But be warned. If he's especially upset, it may take more than one. But this is hardly that great of an inconvenience. Toys are pretty cheap, and you have the entire royal treasury at your disposal.

Your dear friend,

Neria

P.S: If you're unsure of what to buy, I'm pretty sure that there's a golem in the Wonders of Thedras that he has his heart set on.

Dear Neria,

Thank you again for all of the helpful advice. I have already sent Erlinda out to pick up a wide assortment of presents. Alistair has just gotten that much easier to handle! I am also working on following your advice. The last time he started going on and on about whatever he intended to name our first child, I just thought about all the new trade routes I could open up and calculated how quickly I could balance the budget with the taxes on that trade. (Rebuilding a nation is expensive! And I have my heart set on a university!) Those thoughts were...highly appealing. I may return to those thoughts the next time my marital duties come up. Come to think of it, I think that I'll fetch Alistair right now...

Sorry, a bit of an interruption caused me to lose my train of thought. But that same interruption has made me wonder why you decided to get rid of the lad. Certainly he talks too much for anyone's peace of mind, but he has so many other delightful uses.

Your friend,

Anora

P.S: How many presents do you think that it will take to convince Alistair that "Loghain" is a good name for our first son?

Dear Anora,

I'll be blunt. I never saw much in Alistair. I only slept with him for the first time because he offered to break up with Leliana for me. (Honestly, I just couldn't stand another four hour long conversation on her favorite trends in Orlesian footwear.) Then I heard that he was Maric's son, and wondered whether I might be able to use this to my advantage. Unfortunately, he explained that the Landsmeet would never accept an elven mage as queen, at which point I figured that I might as well break it off. And then, as I figured that the mabari would do about as well ruling the kingdom as Alistair, I thought that I'd just marry him to you so that Ferelden wasn't entirely left to whoever felt like taking it. Let it never be said that I am unpatriotic.

Besides, I doubted that Alistair would be a huge fan of me "upgrading" to Loghain. So it seemed just as well to call it quits before I had to buy him a whole toy store to make it up to him or, alternately, endure him whining and pouting.

Incidentally, before I forget, thank you again for freeing the tower. You have _no idea_ how much fun I've been having with Cullen. And Anders has finally gotten tie up his favorite templar for a change. (I think that he's probably done more with her than tie her up, but I stopped listening when he went into the exact details of the manacles he used. I swear that he's more talkative than our new king!) It's so nice to be able to do all of this out in the open now. Furtive trysts in supply closets used to be such a drag! (The templars would bang on the doors telling us to "hurry up and get out!". Now they watch! And sometimes join in! Wee!)

Your best friend forever,

Neria

P.S: Your father has asked about your plans for an heir. I believe that the terms he used were "when will that incompetent bastard perform the only duty that can reasonably be expected of him?"

Dear Neria,

So is that what goes on in the tower? I never knew. Well, that explains so much about the Chantry's opinion of mages...but, no matter.

I did not know that you were still in touch with my father. Send him my regards, and tell him to keep out of my personal life. Out of curiosity, how is he doing?

Your best friend,

Anora

Dear Anora,

Your father is doing quite well. Very well indeed, I might add. The way his dark hair glistens in the moonlight, the way the sweat glistens off his muscles when he does his exercises in the morning. He's in remarkable shape for a man his age. Why, it's enough to make one swear off templars for good!

Your bestest friend in the whole wide world,

Neria

Dear Neria,

Leave my father alone. He is _not_ Maric, and I doubt that he cares much for either elves or mages.

Your Queen,

Anora

P.S: Even if you should do something inappropriate, such as control him via blood magic or get him really drunk, I do _not_ need to know about it.

P.P.S: You know when I told you about how I didn't mind the idea of marrying Alistair so much after talking to him at Arl Eamon's estate? Well, we "talked" for quite a while. On your bed.


	2. Dueling Diaries

**Dueling Diaries**

_Created with Prisoner_24601 (who wrote the funny Alistair diaries in a series of very strange Dreamwidth comments), as we're both insane. In case this makes no freaking sense (as it probably does not), the world of these diaries is the one in my short story, _Diplomatic Relations_, where Cauthrien has saved Alistair from his monastery at Teyrn Loghain's request. Alistair has now fallen madly in love with her, but has no idea as to how to express his feelings. As I said, it makes very little sense. But if you're curious as to how this came to be, feel free to read DR._

Dear Diary,

I was told to rescue a templar candidate who also happens to be heir to the throne. Whatever. Considering most of the suicidal things Loghain asks me to do (3!), it's not that bad.

He's moderately pleasant company, although he seems to talk an awful lot and mopes whenever I mention Loghain. I do not understand this. He also keeps making sort of weird comments and blushing all the time. In addition, he cannot ride a horse, which I find v. disappointing, although he can fight, which is good. Am v. confused. Oh well, must see him to safety, regardless.

Cauthrien

P.S: What are warrior women supposed to do with roses? It's not like I have a vase to put it in. Ex-templar is v. strange.

Dear Diary,

Today I met the most beautiful woman I have ever seen! Not that I have had all that much experience with women, but still! Unfortunately said inexperience with women has been sort of a problem as I cannot seem to talk to her without stammering and my ears turning pink from blushing. Also she seems to be really into Loghain which is really upsetting as he's old and not me.

Luckily I had a rose in my backpack ready for this sort of emergency. I thrust it in her hands hoping she will get the message. Surely this will make her get over Loghain and like me better.

Keeping my fingers crossed!

Alistair

Dear Diary,

Now that I think about it, the rose is v. cute. Kind of heartwarming. No one has ever done something like this for me before. Generally, other officers in barracks are more the love 'em and leave 'em sorts. And I think that Loghain only likes me for the obscene amount of damage I can do with a two handed sword, plus is kind of a father figure to me, now that I think about it.

That said, extreme pinkness of ex-templar's skin is kind of a turn off. Maybe it's sunburn, and will go away soon?

Also, he keeps talking to his horse, which worries me. I think he may have psychosis. Or maybe he is under the delusion that if he talks nicely to the horse, that he will stop falling off it?

I think that he might learn to ride better if he focused on the task at hand.

But kind of cute, all the same.

Cauthrien

P.S: I wonder if he shuts up during sex? Probably not worth the risk, but will admit to curiosity.

Dear Diary,

The rose has worked! I knew that reading all of those Sweet Valley Highevers stashed in Redcliffe's library would pay off! Although I wish Isolde would have let me take a few more of them out to the barn as I am at a loss as to what is supposed to happen next. In the meantime I will cover by making funny jokes and talking to the horse. Chicks like a sense of humor, right?

Alistair

Dear Diary,

I just found a romance novel in Alistair's pack. I am beginning to seriously wonder why I kidnapped this doofus. I mean...he's a grown man, right?

On the other hand, I'm just getting more and more curious about whether he would stop talking during sex. And, to be honest, I'm kind of thinking that a guy who reads romance novels needs to get laid. Badly.

Going to take a stiff drink, then see what happens.

Cauthrien


	3. So Long, And Thanks for All the Sex

**So Long, and Thanks for all the Sex **

_Prisoner_24601 wrote the Morrigan side to this exchange (I wrote Anora and Alistair), again, as a series of Dreamwidth and Livejournal comments, as we're both crazy. In case this makes no sense, Marcus Amell is her (totally hot) Grey Warden who happened to fall in love with Anora. Despite this, Marcus makes her marry Alistair for the sake of Ferelden. He also saved Loghain, and so to get back at him, Alistair did the dark ritual with Morrigan and really liked it. This makes a lot more sense if you read her series of short stories titled _A Practical Romance_. They're much better than this bizarre exchange, in case you're wondering._

Dear Morrigan,

Where have you gone? I woke up this morning, after the best night of my life, and you were missing. I do not understand. After such a glorious night of passion, surely, I thought, you would have stuck around. Particularly since you're likely pregnant with my child, and we all know that a good, healthy, Old God Baby needs a stable, two parent home.

I can leave Anora! Marcus wants her, anyway. I can follow you wherever, to renew our passion dozens of times! Just let me know! I love you!

Alistair

Dear Alistair,

Your offer is very tempting. It is unfortunate that your modesty kept me from viewing your amazing abs at camp. Had I known how well put together you were, I would have overlooked your foolishness and pounced on you the minute we left mother's hut.

Still, I am uncertain that I should allow you to follow as raising an OGB is a great deal of responsibility and I am unsure that I should allow your doofy habits, useless sentimentality or love of cheese rub off on the child. Surely that would be undignified for such a being as we have created?

So for now you shall have to be satisfied with being tormented with the ring I left you, as I consider your offer. Please be certain to tell Marcus of your torn confusion and let him know that I am out here, gloating about how I have outfoxed him.

Morrigan

Dear Morrigan,

I never knew you cared. I suspected, thanks to the snarky comments. But I hadn't known. If I had, I would have at least considered stripping for you. In a very dark room. Without lights. While blushing.

I'd give up on the hope that my goofy habits won't rub off on the OGB. Theirins are made of goofy habits. It's a dominant genetic trait that there is no escape from (other than being born a female. I think that Anora's been making offerings to the Maker and praying that she only has daughters.) If you bare a son, he will be just like me, Cailan, and Maric. I'm sorry. It's the way things are. And if you have a daughter, surely you need a strong father figure for her, right? Otherwise, she's sure to act out in her teenaged years, seeking from boys the love and attention she never got from her father.

Please, please, consider my offer. The child needs me. Marcus doesn't. Anora doesn't. To be honest, the two of them kind of scare and intimidate me. And I love you! You're the only woman I've ever been with, the only woman I want to be with. I don't know that I can stand transferring my affection to Anora now, as will invariably happen if I have sex with her, or even just see her boobs. If this happens, I will be conflicted, and I can't stand having feelings for more than one woman!

The ring is very pretty though. Thank you for it. Giving it to me was very thoughtful.

I'm not sure why I would tell Marcus of our glorious night of passion. That said, I'm fairly sure that Leliana knows, as she and Zevran have been hanging around camp all day pointing at me and laughing. Leliana's kind of mean, now that I think of it...

…so is Anora, who's making me sleep in camp rather than in the palace. Bitch.

Your one true love,

Alistair

Dear Alistair,

You are truly hopeless. How am I supposed to gloat about my cleverness if he does not know that we have thwarted his plans? This is the whole point of taking my revenge, you fool!

I am afraid that you are probably right about the genetic nature of Theirin goofy habits, but if this is so then 'tis your nature or perhaps just fate to be conflicted as well. Did you not listen to the songs about your royal father that Leliana would sing to us around the campfire? Marrying one woman while pining for another is a Theirin family tradition. 'Tis an inevitability, really.

Although I must say that you do have a point about our possible daughter running off with the first man that makes eyes at her due to inevitable daddy issues from an absentee father. It would be most irritating to do all of the work of raising this child only to have her run off at the first opportunity. Come to think of it, it will be most irritating raising this child anyway as I am hardly the type to change fouled diapers and clean spit up milk.

Hmm... perhaps I will allow you catch up with us after all. I must consider this carefully.

Morrigan

Dear Morrigan,

Revenge? What is the meaning of this word? I think I've heard it before, but may be incapable of fully understanding the concept.

I did listen to Leliana's songs. But unfortunately, my templar training will make me feel very guilty over marrying one woman while lusting after another. I would prefer to avoid that guilt by marrying the one I lust over. (Although, Anora does have some gorgeous boobs. No, must not think of the boobies, or I will no longer have will power.) Plus, that way, I could do what I really want and just let Marcus become king. Yes, I know that mages aren't supposed to be king, but it would simplify things in so many ways. Not the least of which is that I'll finally get to follow you around like a puppy dog, while sleeping with you cuddled up in my arms. Don't tell me that you don't want to sleep curled up in my arms. I'm sure you do, because despite your harsh exterior, I truly believe that you are warm and gooey deep down inside. You just need a kind man to love you for who you are, even if who you are is a heartless, bitchy shrew.

Think of our daughter, if you're actually debating whether to stay with me. She needs a good, solid, father figure. One who wouldn't mind holding her and rocking her to sleep, even if she did spit up on him. I'm that kind of father, Morrigan. You know you need me.

Alistair

Dear Alistair,

I am afraid that I must deny your request. For one thing, my plan for revenge is not truly complete if the Warden gets to marry Anora (or at least continue his love affair). No, he must watch his best friend marry his lover, and suffer for the indignities he put me through by turning me down for the ritual. For another, what sort of evil forest witch would I be if did not do my part to make the three of you as miserable as possible?

But do not fret, for I am quite fickle! Once you are married and doing your best to forget our night of revenge and the child you sired, I will use the ring to start haunting your dreams. I may even possibly allow you to follow us through the mirror, once our spawn reaches the terrible twos and is completely aggravating to have around. And then, maybe, quite possibly I will allow a cuddle or two as I hurl insults and barbs in your direction and tell you what a fool you are.

Morrigan

Dear Morrigan,

Yeah, whatever with your revenge. I just saw Anora naked. Suddenly, I'm pretty psyched about this arranged marriage thing. (Although, awww, Marcus and Anora are so cute together. When they held hands just prior to our wedding, I felt my heart melt just a little. But, you know, she's hot. And he saved Loghain. So, I think that I'm OK with the hooking up with Anora and screwing over Marcus thing now.)

Damn it, I'd been wondering why you left the ring. Oh well. It fits my finger so well that I can't see taking it off. (Although Anora has been asking some kind of embarrassing questions about it. And you. How does she know about us? Oh, yeah, it might have had something to do with how, after she complimented me on my performance, I broke down sobbing and confessed the whole OGB thing. Hopefully that wasn't a supposed to be a secret...)

And, hey, I'm used to the barbs and insults, so as long as I get a cuddle or two out of it, I think I'm OK. Actually I sort of like the insults. I miss them. In its own way, it would be a nice change from Anora staring out the window and looking sad a lot.

Alistair

Dear Alistair,

Oh yes, now that you mention it, Anora did send me a lovely thank you note for training you how to properly bed a woman. We also had a nice chat about your abs and dietary restrictions on your cheese consumption as not to spoil them.

Your wife and I have also come to an arrangement. Now that you have spent enough time with your wife to become properly conflicted, I can now allow you to come and spend time with your son who, incidentally, is not named, nor will ever be named "Duncan."

Enclosed are a set of cryptic clues to follow to find my whereabouts. I hope they are not too tricky for you to decipher and do not strain your intellect overmuch. When you have reached the creepy looking mirror, you will know you are in the right place.

Morrigan

P.S. You do not need to worry about packing too many shirts, as most likely I will not be allowing you to wear many of them anyway.

P.P.S Also, do not tell Marcus of this plan as he would try to ruin everything.

Dear Morrigan,

I didn't know that you and Anora were communicating. And about me? Awwww...you do love me! I always knew it!

But, but, but...cheese. How can you take the cheese from me? (I no longer love either of you. I think instead that I will fall in love with Ser Cauthrien. No reason, really, but I figure, why not?)

Awww...I have a son? I hope that you know that he will always be called "Duncan" in my mind, no matter what you choose to call him. I certainly intend to call him "Duncan", no matter what hair-brained name you've given little Duncan (please tell me that it's not "Loghain"). I bet he's cute. Is he cute? Does he like cheese? Does he talk all the time, like me? I can't wait to meet him!

Anyway, coming right now, or at least as soon as I can figure out the map! Oh, I just got it. I was holding it upside down. Ooops. No wonder the writing looked all funny.

So on my way, my...I'm not sure. Love? Tormentor? Mother of my child?

Alistair

P.S: I had to leave Marcus some kind of note. Otherwise he'd get all worried about why I was missing. But I made it super cryptic, so I doubt that he'll figure it out.

P.P.S: Damn it. I also left your map behind in my room. Oh well, surely Marcus won't find it, right? Right?

DA:O

Dear Morrigan,

Thank you so much for breaking in Alistair. I mean, I wasn't too worried and all, seeing as me and Cailan got a lot of practice in, if you know what I mean. But I'm still so glad that I don't have to show him all the ropes, as that can get boring fast. Plus, I was really worried that things would end up being super awkward, like most of _Love and Levarite_, which would just suck.

Double thanks for not using my father. As that's just squicky. Or Marcus, as he's totally all mine. (Well, at least until the wedding...*sigh* Although if you could find some way to steal Alistair through an enchanted mirror and totally leave Marcus around to comfort me, that would rock!)

Love,

Anora

Dear Anora,

You are most welcome. Truly Marcus was my first choice but after he tried to throttle me, I decided that perhaps Alistair wasn't so bad. 'Twas delighted to discover that not only does he have a magnificent set of abs, but that he is extremely pliant and quite eager to please and am now kicking myself for not tapping that from the minute we left my mother's hut.

I would not mind taking him off of your hands again for awhile, although the bedding would have to be continually extraordinary to put up with is whining over my plans for our god child. Perhaps I could do it for a year or so if you can keep your Warden lover from trying to kill me.

Love,

Morrigan

Dear Morrigan,

I completely agree on the abs bit. This is truly one of Alistair's best qualities. I am hoping that over-fondness of cheese does not ruin them, as then I will no longer be able to love that adorable doofus. Maybe I should stop feeding him fondue?

I think that I can manage Marcus if you'd like to borrow Alistair for a spell. We can consider it an exchange of sorts.

Love,

Anora

P.S: Please keep the Old God child away from the throne. It's not his/hers and never will be.

P.P.S: I agree that Alistair is most eager to please, and responds very well to gifts. If Marcus wasn't so damned sexy, I would totally refuse this trade.

Dear Anora,

We have a deal. I will take Alistair with me through the mirror for the purpose of having mind blowing hate sex for the next year or so and keep him with me until he becomes confused enough to award me with one of the roses he keeps in his backpack. At that point I fear I will have to return him to you as I cannot allow foolish emotions to interfere with my mother's vague and sort of lame plans about the change that is coming which most likely does not include the seizing the throne as that would, you know, actually matter.

Also, you make an excellent point about the cheese. In the future, Alistair's dairy consumption must be strictly regulated.

Love, Morrigan

Dear Morrigan,

Huh. Maybe I should keep him until he at least gives me one of those roses. So far, nothing. I feel like he's holding out on me.

I am reassured that neither you nor Flemmeth want my throne. It's so very comfortable, and I finally have it in the right position to get the precise amount of sun I like, plus to catch the draft on hot summer days.

I will put Alistair on a diet starting tomorrow, complete with an exercise routine. How I love watching his muscles glisten with sweat at mid-day.

Love, Anora

DA:O

Dear Morrigan,

I am writing on behalf of Alistair Theirin, current King of Ferelden. He is under the impression that you have kidnapped his child (to be referred to from here on as OGB), and are not returning it.

Please respond to the summons to see him in court. We will be requiring you to take a paternity test. If the child is found to be his, he will be obligated to pay you child support (i.e. 50% of whatever allowance Anora gives him), and you will be obligated to give him weekends and holidays with his son or daughter.

Sincerely,

Whos, Whats, and Whys, Attorneys at Law

Dear Whos, Whats, and Whys, Attorneys at Law,

I am afraid that your client has misled you. This is not a case of child custody. Alistair Theirin, King of Ferelden had an oral contract with the Apostate Witch Morrigan. One night of passionate sex and revenge that would follow against both the Warden Marcus Amell and the former Teyrn of Gwaren and Regent of Ferelden, Loghain Mac Tir in exchange for one Old God Baby that Alistair Theirin, King of Ferelden would relinquish all claims to.

As the Apostate Witch Morrigan has fulfilled her side of the contract, we must insist that Alistair Theirin, King of Ferelden hold up his end of the agreement. If you persist, we will be forced to file a counter suit for breach of contract, wherein we will ask the judge for the punitive damages of 50% of his allowance from the Queen as well as a 10% cheese tax to cover our attorney's fees.

Sincerely,

The Apostate Witch's Legal Defense Fund

Dear Apostate Witch's Legal Defense Fund,

The oral contract that was made between our clients (Morrigan and Alistair Theirin) was made while my client was too inebriated to enter into a contract. As such, the contract is void.

My client continues to seek joint-custody for the care of his child. If your client persists in ignoring the court summons, we will judge the case in absentia.

Sincerely,

Whos, Whats and Whys, Attorneys at Law

_Thanks to those who actually like this weirdness. I'm mostly posting to archive, but I love knowing that other people are cracking up over this silliness too. ;)_


	4. Father Daughter

**Father-Daughter**

_OK, so I should not be allowed to interact with Prisoner_24601 as this is what comes from our interactions. Again, we're using her world of the Marcus Amell-Anora-Alistair-Morrigan love quadrangle, and throwing in a very confused Loghain. Did I mention that she also hooked up Loghain with Cauthrien for whatever reason? Yeah, so anyway, that's the context to this series of correspondence. It makes a lot more sense in Prisoner's stories. Really! (In case you're wondering, she got Anora in this series, I got Loghain.)_

Dear Marcus,

Stay away from my daughter. I know that she's the most beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful girl in the whole wide world. (And then some.) And while I am glad that you agree with me on these very important points, Anora is too good for you. She's awesome beyond compare, and should be completely untouchable.

Admittedly, I would far prefer that she be with you than with anyone with the last name of "Theirin". (In retrospect, why in the hell did I save Maric? I should have just let him die. Also, I should have led a coup long ago to take over this kingdom.) But all the same, what you are doing is endangering her, and I do not want my darling daughter taken off her throne by Eamon just because you were unable to keep it in your pants.

Consider yourself warned,

Loghain

Dear bestest father in the whole world ever,

Do you remember that time when I was fifteen when you caught me making out on the balcony with Nate Howe and you told him that you were going to toss him over the side if he touched me again? And I told you that it was my life and I would do what I want? That applies now, except doubly so as I am twice that age.

I also regret that you did not stage a coup a long time ago as that would have saved us all a lot of grief. Still, I cannot complain as I am getting a hot nerdy lover for a time as well as a husband that I suspect has amazing abs.

And do not worry about Eamon. I have plans that do not include his surviving past the ending ceremony for longer than two weeks anyway.

Your daughter,

Anora

Dear Anora,

You will always be six in my eyes. Always. So any man who touches you inappropriately is, in my mind, a pedophile. I hope you understand. This is the way it is.

Nathaniel Howe still deserves death for having kissed you. I am only sorry that I did not succeed in tossing him over the balcony then. If I ever meet him again, this is bound to be his fate. Unless for some peculiar reason, we now happen to be bound together by a tie deeper than blood.

...not that I can imagine what sort of tie that would be likely to be.

I agree that staging a coup earlier would have been well advised. I blame myself. Had I raised you better, it would only have taken you three months to realize that betraying your own father for the good of the kingdom was the only right thing to do. I know. I failed to impress upon you the importance of duty and the futility of familial loyalty. I hope that you can forgive me.

I do not want to know about the lover. Doubly so about Alistair's abs. If we have to celebrate holidays together forever, I will let the Orlesians kill me to spare myself the pain of knowing that you have been with that thing.

I'm glad to hear about Eamon. Make it especially painful for me.

Lots of love from your father,

Loghain

P.S: Why are you answering Marcus' mail?

Dear Father,

I do not believe that it is fair that you are so concerned about my love life, as I have politely refrained from commenting about the unresolved sexual tension and convenient "wrist grabbing" sessions you've had going with your Lieutenant, who is almost my foster sister, for the last few years. This is my one chance to have a lover who is 1) not a Thierin and 2) able to lace up his boots by himself, so I am bound and determined to make the most of it.

Also, I completely forgot about the holidays. Once I am wed, you must come over for Christmas dinner, as I am having the cook prepare a glorious cheese and turkey dinner for everyone. It is Alistair's favorite! Bring Cauthrien, as by then I suspect she will have followed you to the Wardens and improved your mood considerably. Don't worry about Alistair objecting. As I plan on being friendly and nice to him, as well as am a female with fantastic cleavage, I suspect that I will have him eating out of hand shortly, although it will perhaps take longer than I suspected, as we are both hung up on other people at the moment.

Lots of (daughterly) love from your daughter,

Anora

Dear Anora,

Surely you are well aware that at some point in time in the past, I had a love life. As surprising as this may be, it is why you exist. I may even wish to have one again. As you had no say in the affair that produced you, I will kindly ask you to similarly avoid involving yourself in any future dalliances on my part.

...besides, sometimes a wrist is just a wrist.

I can understand your desire to be with a man who can put his boots on by himself. That said, Theirins are rather cute in their helplessness. This is the main reason why I did not kill Maric when I had the chance, despite that I would have had much to gain from doing so. Try to see how adorable he is when he has to ask for help doing anything more challenging than breathing, and your relationship will go far better.

Cheese and turkey sounds revolting. I did not keep my svelte shape into my 50s by eating such garbage. You would be wise to remember this when planning out a proper diet for your new husband. I will bring Cauthrien, although we will be going as "just friends". There is nothing going on between us. There never has been, and never will be. I do not know why you would imply otherwise. Spreading these nasty rumors ought to be beneath you.

Lots of (fatherly) love right back,

Loghain

P.S: Please never mention your cleavage again.

Dear Father,

Truly I do not wish to have knowledge of your love life either past or present. Most of the time, I must fight the urge to put my fingers in my ears and sing Lalalalala at the top of my lungs, but as you and Cauthrien are the two people I know the best and were constantly around until very recently, it was rather difficult to ignore. There were times when I simply wished to urge the two of you to "get a room." However, I knew that both of you have far too many hangups to put the rest of us onlookers out of our misery. I hope that this situation between you two is resolved before Christmas dinner as all of the unrequited sexual tension will not go well with pie that I have planned for dessert.

Also, I thought that Queen Rowan was monarch that you found adorable. Is there something that you need to tell me about you and Uncle Maric?

No wait, scratch that. I really do not want to know.

Love your sort of disturbed, but still loving anyway (I do not judge!), daughter

Anora

Dear Anora,

Cauthrien and I do not need to "get a room". I am sure that were we to "get a room" as you so eloquently put it, all that would occur is a long conversation about duty and honor. This would be the case even did something very peculiar happen (such as a frisky bard choosing to undress Cauthrien and cover her in rose petals. I am quite unclear as to why this particular image sprang to mind.) As such, this issue does not need resolving, as I am quite comfortable discussing military strategy in front of an audience with Cauthrien, although admittedly I would not discuss military strategy that is a state secret.

I found Queen Rowan to be adorable, too. There is much in my past that you really ought to stay out of. If Cailan were still alive, I'd tell him to stop spreading rumors, and to think very carefully on why everyone was so determined that you two marry.

Incidentally, I do judge, but will try to keep it from you as best I can. You will just see a disapproving expression when around me. Possibly I will also have to drink heavily, if Alistair is in the room. I hope you understand.

Your loving father,

Loghain


	5. A Glorious Duel

**A Glorious Duel**

_Yes, this is what happens when Prisoner (who wrote Cailan – I knew she'd been wanting to steal him from me) and I (Anora and Nathaniel) procrastinate. The story is ripped pretty directly from my much longer bit of fiction, _Diplomatic Relations_, so if you haven't read it, this isn't likely to make much sense. (And if you haven't read it, really, it's much better than this. Why haven't you?)_

Dear Nathanial,

Suck it, Howe! I win. Now that Anora knows what a villain your evil family are, she will come back to me and she and our child are going to live gloriously ever after as we ride on unicorns or maybe griffins (or maybe both!) into the sunset.

Sincerely,

Cailan Theirin, Sekrit Genius

To his Majesty, King Cailan Theirin,

You do win, and I concede defeat. I am writing this from exile, and it pains me to think of what may have befallen Anora and her unborn son or daughter. I am glad to know that you will be taking good care of them and "riding unicorns or griffins" into the sunset with them. It seems like a kind fate. Please inform me as to how all of this works out.

Sincerely,

Nathaniel Howe

Dear Spoilsport Nathanial Howe of the Evilest Family Ever,

What? You can't just *concede!* How am I supposed to have a glorious duel with in the middle of the courtyard in front of all of the nobility to romantically defend my wife and baby's honor if you leave already? I've already practiced my victory dance in front of the mirror! Must you Howe's ruin everything? What kind of villains are you? I demand that you return so I can gloat in your face!

Sincerely,

A Very Perturbed and Miffed Monarch and Sekrit Genius.

Dear Cailan,

I fail to see how dueling me in front of the kingdom would defend anyone's honor. Plus, it might result in your death, which could be messy for Anora and the baby, or my death, which would be messy for me. Either way, I do not see the benefit in a duel. And while being gloated at would be considerably less uncomfortable than being killed, I am currently very far from Denerim, and do not particularly wish to return just to be gloated at (and possibly killed). However, if you would like to join me in the Free Marches, I'm sure that we could arrange a duel and/or gloating session. Particularly if you also chose to bring Anora and the baby with you.

Sincerely,

Nathaniel Howe

Dear Nathanial,

Maker's breath, man! How can you not understand how dueling in front of the kingdom is necessary? Don't tell me that you're one of those pansies who actually listened to Loghain when he was giving boring lectures about things like "land management" and "revenue enhancement through progressive models of taxation." It was your duty as a young man of privileged and noble blood to ignore those boring and useless lessons and read copies of the truly important stuff such as "How to Kill the Dragon and Save the Girl" and "Griffins or Unicorns, Which is the Better Steed?" If you had done your duty and read these very important tomes, you would realize that the only way the Hero (that's me) can properly defeat the villain (that's you) is by dueling in front of the entire kingdom, and not in some boring and drab place such as the Free Marches. Therefore, I must insist upon your immediate return.

Sincerely,

Your most glorious archnemesis, King Cailan

Dear Cailan,

Let me try to understand what you are saying. You are asking me to return to Ferelden, so that you can kill me. Forgive me if I am disinclined to undergo a lengthy journey that will result in my death. In addition, has it occurred to you that I might win the duel? In that case, what would be the result? Would I get the girl, become king, and live happily ever after? If I can get you to agree to that outcome in writing, I might consider returning. Although I fear that even if you think that this would be a fair outcome to our duel, that the bannorn might not agree and could possibly reverse the decision at a very inopportune moment.

Sincerely,

Your rather practical antagonist, Nathaniel

Dear Nathanial,

Oh no, my plan is not to kill you! For one thing, it would really cramp my ability to gloat and shout "In your FACE!" after I defeat you and you would miss my awesome victory dance. Also, bloodstains might tarnish my gloriously golden armor, and that would never do. And of course you would not win the duel. I already told you - you are the *villain* and I am the *hero.* Anora is my One True Love, and thus it is your destiny to lose to my awesome skill and heroics as I defend her honor.

But as you are a sensible man, you must surely already know this (no doubt she already mentioned how I was her One True Love many times while you were married). Thus the only reason I can think of for your continued refusal to return is that because of your inattentiveness and lack of study about the important things in your youth, you are ignorant of the protocol of a proper villain and are afraid of embarrassing yourself in front of the kingdom.

Don't fret. Here's what you do. You must show up wearing all black armor and a black sword and a black cape. And - now pay attention because this is *very* important - you must also grow a mustache. Not a beard or a goatee, but a mustache that you can twirl with your fingers as you cackle evilly and declare that "KING CAILAN WILL MEET HIS DOOM." If you do this, we will have the most *glorious* duel ever. Doesn't that sound awesome? Surely that's worth returning from the Free Marches for?

Sincerely,

Your glorious and hopeful monarch who has the best plans ever, Cailan

Dear Cailan,

I think you have made your plan clear, and it seems like a reasonably good one that I could see participating in under the right circumstances. I still have a few questions, though, before I under take a long journey that will result in public humiliation.

1) What happens to me after you do your victory dance? Do I just get to repent and be given the Arling of Amaranthine, or will I be imprisoned in a dark, cold cell until I die?

2) What happens to you, Anora, and 'your' child? I want to be absolutely certain that after their honor is defended, that they will in fact live happily ever after.

3) How do we ensure that no one dies in the duel? Are we to cap our blades? Wear special armor? I want to make sure that all goes according to plan.

Sincerely,

Your reluctant archnemesis, Nathanial Howe

Dear Nathanial,

Most excellent! I am so glad that you have agreed, otherwise I would have had to send my army out to come bring you back and Anora would have made her mad face, which is sort of cute for awhile, but tends to be followed up by a lack of sex until I "apologize." Women.

Anyway, to answer your questions:

1. After the duel, we go out and drink and wench together, of course! For after my glorious victory and follow up dance, even my archnemesis must be impressed at my amazing awesomeness, which will cause you to apologize, swear loyalty to me (and to never lay hands on my One True Love ever again), repent your evil ways, and thus become my right hand man! That is how these things work!

2. Anora and our unborn son (for it must be a son, as my seed is super extra manly), will all parade through the city with me to the cheers of the common peasants. The only real question here is whether Anora should ride a unicorn or a griffin. Personally I think girls should ride unicorns, but since the unborn baby is a boy then maybe she should ride a griffin instead. As you can see, this is a subject that will require much thought and study.

3. I have heard that the amazing dwarven smiths have come up with a brand new material to forge their weapons out of. It is springy and light and using it in a duel will not result in those pesky bloodstains that can tarnish my glorious golden armor. They call this wondrous material "Nerf" and I will commission a pair of "Nerf Swords" to be forged at once (yours will be colored black of course, and mine golden with sparkles to catch the sun!), so that they are ready by the time you return to the city in your mustache, black armor and cape.

So as you can see, genius that I am, I have thought of everything. Hurry back so we can get the most glorious duel ever started.

Sincerely,

Your very excited Monarch who cannot wait to perform the victory dance, King Cailan

Dear Cailan,

Have you ever bothered to think of the implications of your actions? If you bring Nathaniel back for your "glorious" duel, most likely he will be seized at the border by Eamon's armies, imprisoned, and killed. Do you want this to happen to him? I think not. You'll never get your duel, and you and your arch nemesis will never go out drinking and wenching. Instead, some nameless guard will get the honor of killing him, and you don't want that, do you?

If you really want to be able to duel Nathaniel and live happily ever after with me, I would recommend these actions:

Marry me again and make sure everyone knows that I am Queen. Things go so much better when I'm in charge.

2) Issue Nathaniel Howe a full pardon and restore his lands. Then he can travel in relative peace to Denerim for the duel, and go drinking with you afterwards.

3) In the interests of giving our son or daughter a younger brother or sister, I would strongly recommend regular visits with your archnemesis. After all, you need to keep an eye on your right hand man. Moving him into Denerim so that he can stand by your side as your advisor would be a good first step.

4) I have no strong preferences as regards the matters of unicorns or griffins. I do want mine to sparkle, however. The sparkles are necessary.

Love (the woman who is not your wife, but is totally into the idea of getting married as a way of fulfilling her ambitions),

Anora

Dear Anora,

Oh no! I don't want some nameless guard killing my archnemesis! That would ruin all of my plans. You are so smart. This is why I need you around and why you shouldn't have left in the first place. But I forgive you now, my love and it's all good.

Also, don't worry about Uncle Eamon, I will talk to him right away and tell him about my awesomest dueling plans and assure him that it is for the good of the nation. I'll ask... no, *order* him not to interfere! Maybe even issue a royal edict as this is really important and not all boring like those stuffy trade agreements you're constantly talking about.

But just in case Uncle Eamon forgets my edict (which he seems to do a lot, really), we should have a backup plan. Therefore Nathanial will have to return in disguise! Maybe even travel with a circus as a clown or dress up as a chantry sister. Won't that be fun for him? How exciting!

In the meantime we should remarry, and make our griffin/unicorn choices before his return to the city, just so we are prepared for the most glorious day ever.

Love, the man who totally forgives you for forgetting about our One True Love, Cailan.

Dear Cailan (or if you would prefer, "Love of my Life" or "One True Love"),

I did not forget about our One True Love. It is as we discussed. Eamon cruelly made you divorce me. I was secretly pregnant with your child, but could not admit it because I was afraid of what evil Eamon would do to me and our beloved son or daughter. The only way for me to legitimize the child born of our chaste and pure love was to marry Nathaniel Howe. I did not know that he was evil at the time, and in fact thought that he was good, as he promised to raise our child as though it was his, and did not even consummate our marriage, because he wanted to keep me chaste and pure for you. But alas! He turned out to be evil, and very much NOT my One True Love. Fortunately, he ran away and let me annul our marriage (for non-consummation, if you can recall?), and you let me know that you have forgiven me for marrying such an evil man, despite that I had no choice in the matter. And wasn't actually married to him, anyway, seeing as the marriage was annulled.

Remember? We discussed this at length.

I'd also recommend not talking to Eamon. Remember? He is evil. He is the one who wanted to ruin our love in the first place. I'd recommend not letting him know anything about your glorious duel, as he's likely to try to ruin it. And our love. And everything else. Really, what you should do is marry me in secret, declare me Queen of Ferelden, and then, at the dinner we use afterwards to celebrate, get Eamon very drunk and let me sit next to him. After a few months, I can almost assure you that nothing will stand in the way of your glorious duel or our love. Especially Eamon.

Then Nathaniel can return, be beaten in a duel, and swear to be your right hand man forever and ever. He can live in Denerim, even at the palace!, and be your best friend in the whole wide world, where he never even bothers to get married, as he realizes that doing this might distract him from his far more important duty of being your best friend forever.

We can meet at your earliest convenience to discuss unicorn and griffin preferences. As I agree that these are of up most importance for that glorious day,

Love (your soon to be bride and once more, Queen of Ferelden),

Anora

Dear Anora,

Now that you mention it I do remember you talking about something. It seemed like it was probably really important from the serious expression on your face and your very serious tone (you're so cute when you get like that), but I was too busy looking at your boobs to really listen to what you were saying. In fact, as I was reading your letter I sort of zoned out for a few minutes as I imagined your fantastic cleavage and so I am still sort of confused about everything you said. No matter, you are back! And we have truly important things to discuss. How about I call you my "One True Love" and you call me your "Love of my Life?"

Also, I already told Uncle Eamon of both the glorious duel between me and my archnemesis and of our intention to reaffirm our True Love and passion with the institution of marriage. He turned a shade of red and ran off quickly, no doubt because he was overcome with joy for our intended reunion! He's probably already making fantastic plans for our wedding, which of course must take place in front of all of Ferelden so everyone can witness our eternal devotion to each other. I have also decided that the duel must come before our nuptials, and then Nathanial can stand as my best man. Because who would make a better best man than a former archnemesis?

See? No need to worry, my love! I have taken care of everything!

Love (your One True Love and Sekrit Genius)

Cailan

Dear Cailan (also the Love of my Life),

Oh, you shouldn't have told Eamon! Now you have completely spoiled the surprise, and you know how much Eamon loves surprises, don't you? You ought to tell him that you were just pretending, so that he can be overjoyed and surprised yet again when the joyous day occurs. And while I agree that all of Ferelden should witness how much we love each other, secret weddings are just that much more romantic, don't you think? You can always later affirm our love in public, after the vile traitor has been defeated in a duel and is now your right hand man. In fact, we can get married yet again at that date. Because who doesn't want two weddings? One of which being legally binding, and gives me power to rule the country, the other one being flashy and pretty and involving lots of dresses and feasting? This, too, would get rid of the whole "pregnancy" problem. You see, up until the child is born, I really won't fit into normal wedding dresses. But then again, we don't want the child to be born a bastard, so really, I ought to be married to you before that date. So if we go with that plan, not only will I be married to you just that much sooner, but also, our child will be the legitimate heir to the throne *and* I'll still be able to wear a pretty dress as we declare our love in front of the kingdom with most solemn vows.

Besides, it may take a bit for Nathaniel to make it back from the Free Marches, and do we really want to wait for him to return? I don't think so.

Love and kisses (and looking forward to consummating our marriage which will NOT happen until we are secretly married an I am back in power),

Anora

Dear Anora,

You are right, of course. Secret married are oh so romantic, and I don't want to have to wait. We will do things as you ask. Won't Eamon be surprised when I tell him that you're my beloved Queen yet again? I bet he will! I can't wait to see the look on his face!

Your One True Love,

Cailan


End file.
